Doubts and Uncertainties
by Michelle167
Summary: Kaidan's reaction to Shepard's return from the dead. Set in ME2. Very short Shenko.


I told myself I wasn't going to write anymore Mass Effect Fanfic for a while. With all the spoilers out there and the release date of ME2 so close I'm kinda in the mood more to play the game than to write. But I wrote a very short one anyway This was inspired and based on one of the spoilers about how Shepard comes back and all the questions that might surround that.

Kaidan reacts to Shepard's unexpected return from the dead. Set in ME2. Shenko.

I do not own Bioware.

Doubts and Uncertainties.

* * *

"I'm sorry...He can't go with you." Anderson said, decisively.

She knew the stern look he gave her all too well. There was no way the Admiral would allow Kaidan to join Shepard on the new Normandy.

"He has his own ship now...and his own assignment. I'm not pulling him from that assignment...not even for you."

Shepard could see the distrust in the Admiral's eyes. The news she was working for Cerebus hadn't sat well with him.

"I need people I can trust," Shepard tried again.

"You'll just have to win the trust of those you can recruit from the _Cerebus_ list," Anderson answered.

She could hear the distaste in his voice when he spoke of her new employer.

"Then I guess that's what I'll have to do then." Shepard agreed, nodding in defeat.

Anderson sighed, " It doesn't mean you can't talk to him...if you want."

The thought of talking to Kaidan caused a nervous excitement, but with Anderson refusing her request, she had no reason to talk to Alenko on a professional level. Was Anderson aware of her relationship with her former Lieutenant?

She decided to play it safe. "For what reason would I need to talk to him if I can't recruit him?"

"Let me be honest with you, Shepard. You really have no idea what Cerebus may have done to you. You can't even really be sure that you are the real Commander Shepard...nor can the Alliance, but if you truly are her...contacting you old squad mates and friends may just be the thing to keep you grounded." Anderson explained as he paced behind his desk.

"The thing that may cause me to side with the Alliance, if I happen to turn out to be some sort of Cerebus sleeper agent you mean," Shepard answered angrily.

"Do you deny it's the right move?" he asked.

Shepard lowered her head, the anger subsiding, "No...your right...if Cerebus has some sort of control over me and at the last minute pulls something...any connections I have with my old life might be the only thing that makes a difference. "

"And if you're not really Shepard maybe there is enough of her in you to make that difference as well," he added.

"I am the REAL Shepard," She stated confidently.

"So you believe...and for now I will accept that...as for the matter of Captain Alenko, his ship the Tacoma is in the docking bay. He's already aware that you're at the citadel so it won't be such a shock...if that's possible. I'll radio ahead and clear you to board...but don't delay. He's scheduled to ship out in twelve hours." Anderson motioned Shepard to the door.

The fear had been absent when Cerebus attacked and again when she had met the Illusive Man, but now she was filled with it. How would he react? Their relationship was just getting off the ground when the Normandy had went down and Shepard had died. To her it was still fresh but 2 years had passed for Kaidan...two long years...what if he had moved on romantically as well as professionally? It was a nagging thought she wanted to ignore.

"Get a hold of yourself Shepard," she whispered.

Forcing her shaky legs to the stairs, she headed to the docking bay.

* * *

His face was devoid of emotion...his eyes empty. Rather than the warmth she had expected, her greeting was met with cold formality.

"Commander Shepard, I heard that you had miraculously returned." Captain Alenko said, gesturing for Shepard to sit down.

The sarcasm in his voice was evident.

Sitting, Shepard glanced up at her former lover.

"He hasn't changed a bit," she thought, "except...except..."

The longing in his eyes was gone...the look he had always held for her alone. The softness had been replaced with a hard cold stony stare.

"You don't love me anymore do you?" she thought.

Swallowing her fears she forced a smile.

"You look good," Shepard said.

Kaidan grimaced. She couldn't remember him ever looking so uncomfortable.

"I mean you look the same as I remember you," She corrected.

"As you remember me?" he asked.

Kaidan looked strangely at the woman before him. She looked like Shepard...she sounded like Shepard...she even acted like Shepard...same mannerisms...same smile...but Anderson's word's still rung in his ears. "She may not be Shepard."

"Yes...as I remember you," she answered.

Kaidan's eyes flared darkly.

"Tell me...just how does that work?" he asked, angrily.

It was rare that he ever showed his temper. Shepard could only recall one time being on the receiving end of it...the day she had to make a choice between him and Dr. Liara T'soni. It wasn't an experience she relished repeating.

"I don't understand," she protested.

Kaidan shook his head incredulously.

"What did they do...steal Shepard's files and coach you until you had all the information memorized or was it just downloaded...come on...tell me...how does it work?" Kaidan spat out the last of the words with venom.

He regretted it almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth. The look of shock on the woman's face before him shook him to his core more than he could have believed possible.

"She looks so much like her," he thought.

"What are you saying? That I'm not the real Shepard?" she asked.

No one else would have noticed the tremor in her voice...no one except Kaidan Alenko.

"She's afraid," he thought.

Despite his efforts to stay the course, Kaidan felt himself begin to soften.

Closing the distance between himself and what he considered to be the illusion of the woman he once loved sitting in front of him, Kaidan knelt before her and looked carefully into her eyes. Shepard's heart began to race at his close proximity.

"We both know that Commander Shepard died the day the Normandy went down...you can't be her." Even as he said it a part of him wanted to reject his own words.

"...and maybe pretend just for a moment that it's really her," he thought.

The look in his eyes was unmistakable.

"He still loves me," she mused.

"Cerebus rebuilt me...surely Admiral Anderson discussed with you..." Shepard started.

"Admiral Anderson filled me in on the details," Kaidan interrupted lowering his head, "You can't be her...at best your merely a copy...a clone...at worst...."

"What Kaidan...at worst I'm what?!" she asked.

"At worst you're a...a.." He found he couldn't get the words out.

"I get it now...downloaded...you think I'm some kind of cyborg...that's what you think!" Shepard could feel the hot tears begin to sting her eyes.

Kaidan felt like a louse. Even if she wasn't Shepard, he didn't want to hurt her.

"I'm sorry...I didn't want to upset you," he apologized.

"Please, Kaidan you have to believe me. I don't know what Cerebus did to me, but I do know who I am. I'm Commander Shepard of the Alliance Military and the first human Spectre. I need you to believe me." she pleaded.

Kaidan withdrew his hands which had unconsciously found their way to caressing her shoulders. It seemed the woman before him was having the same affect on him as the real Shepard did.

"I can't...I'm sorry...I don't want to hurt you, but there is no way you can be Shepard." Kaidan hated the words even as he spoke them.

His rejection pierced her deeper that any weapon ever could. Her tears now began to flow freely.

It took everything in him to resist gathering her in his arms to comfort her.

"Please try to see this from my point of view," he implored.

"I do see, Kaidan...I do see, " Shepard sobbed, " I've been dead for two years...the dead don't just suddenly come back to life the same as they were before they died...even with the best technology the galaxy has to offer."

Ironically the words helped Kaidan regain his composure.

"This is not Shepard, " he thought, " She's just a copy. She can't be trusted."

"You may not even know why you're really here," he stated flatly.

Puzzled, Shepard looked up at the newly appointed Captain who now towered reservedly over her.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Kaidan collapsed in his office chair, " You tell me...Why are you here?"

"Anderson thought that keeping connected to those I knew before might be a good idea," she answered.

He laughed, " I know the official line...why are you really here?"

Shepard noted the change in his mood and the return of the sarcasm to his voice.

"I wanted to talk to you...to see you again," she answered. For a second the softness seem to return to his eyes only to quickly once again retreat.

"You're working for Cerebus...not exactly an ally of the Alliance," Kaidan replied.

"You think I'm happy with that arrangement? I haven't forgotten what they did to Kahoku. I know they can't be trusted." Her voice rose in protest.

"Can you be trusted?" asked Kaidan.

Once again his words were like a dagger in her heart.

"You think I'm spying for Cerebus don't you?" The idea seemed ridiculous to Shepard...even more so coming from Kaidan. She had expected it from Anderson but not from Kaidan. Had he become so mistrusting in such a short time?

"Maybe not intentionally," Kaidan said, eyeing the doppelganger suspiciously.

The pain and hurt gave way to fury.

"You know...maybe you're right... I'm just a cyborg spy for Cerebus. I'm just here to collect information to bring the Alliance down so that Cerebus can take over. You've got me!" Shepard spouted furiously.

Jumping to her feet, she headed for the door. "It was a mistake to come here. I was stupid to believe we could pick up where we left off after Ilos!"

Shepard felt Kaidan's hand close down on hers, as he spun her around.

"What did you say?!" he asked.

The wall between them began to crack.

"I said I was a fool to think we could pick up where we left off after Ilos," she restated, her anger now subsiding as she pondered over his reaction.

"Ilos...what about Ilos?" asked Kaidan.

Softening, Shepard answered, " The night we went to Ilos...the night you stayed with me."

"You can't know that...only the real Shepard would know that...no one else knew," he whispered.

"I am the real Shepard, Kaidan...no matter how I came back...it's really me," she said.

"No it can't be...it can't," Kaidan said, shaking his head unbelievingly.

"What can I say to convince you?" Shepard searched inwardly looking for anything that might persuade him.

"I make you feel human...and you make me feel like I could take on the whole galaxy." she continued, " What else do you need to hear?"

Shocked and confused, Kaidan looked into the eyes of the woman he had been convinced just minutes earlier was a fraud. There was no way she could have known what had transpired between him and Shepard that night unless she was the real deal.

"It's really you," he whispered.

"It's really me," she answered.

Taking her in his arms he held her closely and whispered in her ear, "Shepard, I don't want to lose you again. This mission for Cerebus...I know it's a suicide mission."

"Hopefully it will be a success...even without your help." Shepard reassured him even as she found herself melting in his embrace.

It was the first time Kaidan had regretted his promotion. He knew that if he wasn't Captain of his own ship, Anderson would have gladly reassigned him to Shepard even if the real motive was to keep an eye on her.

"I wish I could be there with you," he offered.

"I know...and I'll miss you, but when it's over we can be together again," Shepard replied, hopefully, "until then we can keep in contact...ship to ship."

"Emails?" he asked.

"Private emails," Shepard answered, smiling.

"I'll make it a priority," Kaidan said smiling in return, "but for now the Tacoma doesn't leave out for another eleven hours. You have a little time?"

"A little...are you asking me to..." she started.

"Bunk with me tonight, Shepard," he interrupted.

Shepard laughed, "That's my line!"

"I learned from the best," he replied.

Cupping her face in his hands, Kaidan leaned in for a long overdue kiss and for the first time since she had been awakened Shepard felt alive.

Losing all sense of self, they sank into the reunion that was everything they could have hoped for.

* * *

"I assume Captain Alenko and his crew have departed the citadel," Hackett said over the comm link.

"Yes, the Tacoma departed on schedule," Anderson answered.

"I still think you made a mistake in allowing Shepard to see Alenko. She was his commanding officer...what if he let something slip." Hackett's voice was laced with concern.

"Alenko?...Never... Even if he does believe she's the real Shepard, he's not going to give up any information concerning his mission. There's too much at stake." Anderson replied.

"He believes she's the real Shepard?" Hackett asked.

"He was insistent...said he had no doubt that it was really her," Anderson answered.

"That's not a good sign...if he lets his guard down and she turns out to be a Cerebus spy or worse..." Hackett started.

"Alenko will obey orders no matter what he believes. You don't have to worry about him spilling information." Anderson reaffirmed.

"I hope your right Anderson...I hope you right. Hackett out."

As the comm link went dead, Anderson whispered to himself, "I hope I am too."


End file.
